Laurie Boris

Hi, everyone! I’m so psyched to be shoulder-to-shoulder with these wonderful writers in the 12 Blogs of Christmas event put on by Martin Crosbie. So let’s keep the fun rolling.

Confidential Memo to S. Claus

To: S. Claus
From: Joey the Elf, Vice President and Public Relations Director, North Pole
Re: Christmas 2014 Status Update and Strategic Operation Plan: Confidential

Yo, Santa baby. I know it’s close to go-time and your mental bandwidth must be stretched as thin as the photoshopped spandex in Kim Kardashian’s butt selfie, so I’ll try to keep this brief.

First, I feel your pain about Rudolph’s resignation. I’m sure he’ll do the air traffic controllers proud, but promoting Dancer could be a no-go. Seems the headlamp we wanted to attach to his antlers violates some PETA regulation. We’re looking into that. And you didn’t hear this from me, but there’s a rumor that a few elves are planning a sickout. Guess they’re still a little steamed about losing their collective bargaining rights.

I’m also sorry to report that we didn’t get better news out of our last focus group. Your poll numbers are dropping fast with the Millennials. We have to act now, or you’ll lose credibility with this next generation completely.

My team crunched the numbers, and we think we have a workable plan of action, although it won’t be without its sacrifices. After all, in this economy, we all need to tighten our belts and think outside the box (not to mention recycle the old clichés because we don’t have enough scratch in the budget for creative.) Given that we’re increasingly between a rock and a hard place, I need to give it to you straight up, big guy. We need to boost our image on the cheap, so I’m laying out our top-priority recommendations:

1. The weight thing. You know we love you, dude, and that Jolly St. Nick is a beloved symbol of good will and happiness at Christmas, but we’re only thinking about your health. And our roof repair bills. And those couple of times we had to get you out of the chimney with the Jaws of Life. So here’s what we’ll do. Have the interns shoot a little PSA asking the kids to leave out some whole grain crackers and a few carrots. Then we’ll get you on The Biggest Loser. You’re still clinging on to some decent TVQ despite your drop in poll numbers, so we kill two birds with one stone. We’ll turn that bowl full of jelly into one rockin’ six-pack. Maybe put out a calendar, turn it into a tidy profit center. And while you’re at it? Drop the pipe. Go on the patch, at least when you’re doing public appearances. I got a guy who can hook you up on the down-low.
2. It’s a delicate subject, but we have to be proactive about this. We can’t let the trickle of mommy-kissing accusations become a tsunami of charges of inappropriate behavior. Okay, we can call that web video with Paris Hilton a bit of poor judgment after too many eggnogs, but on the mommy-kissing, we believe that you were not the initiating party in any of the alleged incidents. Mrs. Claus will also stand behind you on this. So let’s trade in our Amazon bonus points for some wicked high-end surveillance gear. Won’t be nearly as expensive as the system we’re using for the naughty/nice list, and why not use the available technology to protect our assets, so to speak? While we’re at it, let’s start scoping out a good lawyer. Maybe Gloria Allred will throw us a pro bono or two. Because, frankly, one more lawsuit is going to sink us. She could also arrange for the elves to have sexual harassment training…long overdue, considering that we now got a ton of female elves working on the factory floor.
3. Reconsider that co-op idea with Greenpeace. Climate change tech is hot, hot, hot! Not only because the ice under the factory is starting to melt, but we’ve got gold in those flying reindeer! Gold, baby! NO fossil fuels. NO carbon footprint…well, except for the occasional flying reindeer poop. Don’t worry. We’ll spin that into a recycling campaign.
4. Set up a meet with the Superheroes Union. They agree that coordinating our flight paths will prevent some of those near-misses the newspapers keep harping on. By the way, don’t sweat the estimate on the damage to Wonder Woman’s invisible plane; we’re getting an independent assessment from my cousin Petie and compiling evidence that she failed to file a flight plan.

So, yeah, these are just some things to put in the hopper. Maybe after the big day, you, Mrs. Claus, and I can sit down and start drafting media announcements about your trip to Boca to look at semi-retirement communities. She already showed me the website; that unit near the ninth hole looks pretty sweet.

———-

I’m proud to be involved in the 12 Blogs of Christmas with some terrific authors including my friend, bestselling author Martin Crosbie, who put this whole party together. Living on the west coast of Canada, Martin has written five books including Amazon bestseller My Temporary Life. His popular Christmas novel Believing Again: A Tale Of Two Christmases is available in e-book format in the US and UK as a Kindle Countdown Deal from December 24-27 for only 99 cents. Excellent stories and I’ve read them both.

Also, if you’d like to pick up a copy of Drawing Breath, I’m having a little promo of my own. It’s 99 cents on Amazon through New Year’s Day. And if you’d like a free download of the audio book, narrated by Randi Larsen, hit me up and I’ll email you the code and the instructions from Audible.